Raising Teenagers: Some Practical Advice

Children are a Divine blessing, but raising children is a trial. The Quran is full of Duas to help parents raise righteous children. It is not an exact science but an art you learn on the job. There is no guaranteed result depending on your efforts- look at the Prophet Nuh (AS), who preached for 950 years, yet his son refused to board the ship. 

Parenting is even more problematic because of global cultural influences, immigration, and technological advances. We’re all struggling with raising children. Since preserving the family is one of the most important goals of Islamic Shariah, here are some practical tips to help you navigate around the young adult who still seems like a child to you.

  1. The Shariah does not recognize a teenager- you are either a child or an adult. This is a fundamental paradigm difference between Islamic and other frames of reference. Teenagers are young adults. Once they reach puberty, they are accountable for their own actions. Therefore, teach them and train them before they reach puberty. Then, like Luqman (AS), remind them that before they answer to you, they need to answer to Allah (SWT):

[And Luqman added], “O my son, indeed if it [i.e., a wrong] should be the weight of a mustard seed and should be within a rock or {anywhere] in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Indeed, Allah is Subtle and Aware.  (Surah Luqman 31:16) 

  1. Realize that while you are responsible for raising them, they must be allowed some privacy and room to take responsibility once they become young adults. You should not be micromanaging their lives. Allow them to discover and learn- your job is to observe and guide them. Otherwise, they will harbor resentment and anger.
  1. Monitor your interaction with them. What percentage of your interaction is positive feedback or general conversation? If your primary interaction concerns anger, nagging, or reprimanding, you must school yourself and alter your tone and subject. 

You need to be able to interact calmly and listen carefully. Put away your devices. Still, your busy hands turn towards them and listen. Praise your child for achievements, and appreciate little gestures or good manners. Show them your love and appreciation. 

Your anger and reprimands should be like salt in food- season your interaction with reminders, positive criticism, or occasional scolding, but don’t make it the focus. 

  1. The most effective way to master anything is to learn from our mistakes. So be a life coach- learn to let go. Allow them to move on and make their own mistakes. This does not mean not to punish- you can withdraw privileges and respectfully express your anger or disappointment. Yelling and shouting will not solve any problems. 

Ask them how they would handle this problem if they were the parents. Learn from the story of Ibrahim (AS). When he dreamt about sacrificing his son, Ismail (AS), he knew it was a command from Allah (SWT). Yet, he still explained the situation to Ismail (AS) and asked for his opinion. Of course, he had faith in Ismail’s (AS) Taqwa; similarly, you should trust your child enough to bring them into the conversation. You may disagree with their proposition, but you can engage in a discussion that allows for tolerance and mutual respect.

  1. You cannot buy your son or daughter’s obedience or better behavior. Materially empowering them perpetually will not earn you respect. Let them earn it- allow them self-dignity through achievement. Reward them for their grades and household responsibilities and even provide them appropriate job opportunities. They will learn to be responsible, and they will also learn to be grateful for your efforts to provide for them.
  1. Instill in them a sense of social responsibility. They have a complex relationship with society, and they are role models. They also need companionship despite their tendency to lock themselves in the room. Encourage them, sometimes pressure them a little, to attend social gatherings, but ensure you do not make them or their grades or ambitions a point of discussion. Let them relax and connect, observe and learn. They will understand that the world is much larger and more complex and issues much wider range than what they perceive.
  1. They need mentors and role models apart from parents- from within the family, a professional, or a leader within the community. Connect with someone they respect, trust, and can communicate with. 
  1. The best ‘Tarbiyah’ begins with yourself. ‘Tarbiyah’ in Arabic means to nurture a plant- you need constant care for it, check it for weeds, pests, disease, water it, and expose it to sunlight. You need to be vigilant not only with them but also with your own actions and manners. You are the first ‘influencer’ in your children’s lives. They become passionate about what they see you passionate about- they copy. 

‘And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small. (Surah Al Isra 17:24)

Consider this Dua. Allah (SWT) has empowered every parent to protect their children from Fitnah, which is why they have a status of respect right after Allah (SWT) and His Prophet Muhammad (SA). Yet, at this end, dua makes a noteworthy comparison- children are to pray for the same mercy they received from their parents in infancy and childhood. 

  1. Always make lots of Dua. Guidance is in the hands of Allah (SWT). You cannot control the society around you, nor can you control world events. Consider Yusuf (AS) – his biggest influence was his father, but his interaction was limited to childhood- before he became a young adult. But he still maintained his faith and good character all through his life, even in slavery, in jail, and even when in power. He was surrounded by disbelief, but he withstood the trial of temptation, of being slandered and jailed, and even the trial of wealth and power. Yaqoob (AS) may have bonded so deeply with his son that he was able to positively impact his entire life in that short time. But Allah (SWT) primarily protected Yusuf’s (AS) Iman and led him to Amal-e-Sualeh.

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