Just as every house has a different structure, dimension, and unique decor, there is no one-size-fits-all formula for a balanced marital relationship. Each individual has a unique personality, and each family has a particular dynamic and idiosyncrasies. A home is a safe space built on trust, mutual respect, and affection achieved through an emotionally stable family. So how can we achieve an emotionally well-balanced marital life?
- Know Your Responsibilities and Rights
Many young adults are unable to foresee how marriage will impact their lifestyle. After enjoying ‘celebrity’ status during the wedding festivities, they hit the post-wedding blues. Hence, the ‘curbs’ on freedom and new financial responsibilities are major irritants and burdensome for men. At the same time, for women, the daunting list of household duties and expectations is a brutal awakening. Often, both are ill-prepared for their new responsibilities, and this adjustment takes time and plenty of effort.
Invest in learning about each spouse’s rights and obligations when considering marriage. The elders counsel few of us in our family on adjusting to a new family, so actively seek advice from those you believe have a successful marriage. Read the marriage contract carefully to understand the essence of marriage.
- Embrace the Inevitable Change
Families, especially parents-in-law, frequently forget that the family dynamics will change with adding a new member. Parents may resent their child’s ‘changed’ priorities after marriage. Sometimes, such feelings of disappointment are expressed through emotional blackmailing and coercion.
Change should be welcomed- adding yellow paint to blue brings an entirely new exciting change – the colour green. Similarly, change in marital status should be received with excitement rather than dread. A new family member opens not just a change in inter-personal relations and additional responsibilities but also new possibilities. This experience is similar to being academically or professionally promoted, as life-altering events bring new challenges and responsibilities.
- Observe and Adjust
Since you’re in new surroundings with unfamiliar people, observe the habits, temperaments, communication styles, and triggers of your new spouse and in-laws. Their interpersonal relations, routines, ethics, and values must be studied without judgment. This observation and subsequent adjustment period may take at least six months.
Your observation will help you understand the motivations that influence the family dynamics, and you will be able to predict reactions. As a result you will modify your perception and improve your interpersonal skills. In the process, you should achieve mutual respect and trust. The key, however, is to have the right intention during this journey of observations- the intention to understand and develop family bonding.
- Detoxify for Correct Intentions
Unfortunately, we sometimes enter marriage with a negative bias due to mass media, personal horror tales, and some negative cultural perceptions. These seeds of mistrust colour the lens of our observation. As a result, if any conflict arises (a natural occurrence, as occasional conflicts are a part of family life), the predetermined notions turn into validated suspicions. They are voiced as statements such as: “See, I told you this would happen!”
Therefore, our intention should always be to benefit ourselves and others. Guard against both self-centered and people-pleasing behavior, or behavior that is based on vengeance that drags all of you down
This win-win approach sets the foundation for a congenial family environment. However, we can only ensure the purity of our own intentions. Trials and tribulations have been decreed for us, often through our closest relatives. Rely on Allah, Al-Qadir, the One who can remove our pain, and trust in His wisdom to test us to become better versions of ourselves.
- Set Boundaries
Imagine a hula-hoop ring around you. This ‘hoop’ is our boundary or personal space where “I begin, and others end” and/ or “others begin, and I end”. Within the hoop, you can move around freely and choose to let other people in. This action is deemed selfish, but in reality, the boundary protects us and others because it allows us privacy and protects us from intrusive harm. We can then choose to help others.
Let us take an example. A daughter-in-law may offer to cook dinner, but she may want the domestic staff to help with breakfast. Similarly, a husband can request his wife to look after his parents while at work, but take care of them himself when he is at home. Boundaries complement each family member like puzzle pieces, where the shape of the puzzle is not compromised, yet it fits with several other pieces of the puzzle as a whole.
Establishing boundaries can be tricky. The right words with the correct body language can help maintain respect and express concerns in a grounded and assertive way. Boundaries may need to be reinforced multiple times if they are being violated.
- Be Optimistic
Newlyweds may often experience disappointment from the spouse or the in-laws because of expectations that have not been communicated. Likewise, their behaviour might seem strange and contrary to our expectations, but that does not mean it is not praiseworthy or acceptable. Be optimistic and look for the Khair (the good) in each action and habit. Optimism encourages positivity, diminishes egocentricity, and makes us more accommodating and empathetic.
- Try to Provide Ease
Setting boundaries does not mean we adopt the rigid approach of ‘my way or the highway’ that can be deadly for any relationship. Boundaries level out power play, and there are many ways we can ease other people’s burdens at little cost to ourselves and our resources. For instance, we can offer a sympathetic ear and just listen to someone as moral support if we can’t do anything else. Maintain an open, tolerant, and flexible attitude for cordial relations.
- Seek Divine Counsel and Make Dua
Like life, marriage does not follow a predictable, smooth trajectory. We all experience a broad spectrum of emotions and trials in our relationships. We can suffer moments of loneliness even when loved ones surround us. The only anchor in all situations, whether peace or turmoil, is mindfulness of Allah (SWT) and His powers.
Thus, if a family member seeks advice, seek divine counsel (Istikhara). It can open doors to possibilities never imagined, both pleasing and challenging, yet worth exploring to strengthen relationships. In all situations, however, be conscious of Allah (SWT) because marital relations and the family structure make up the foundation of Muslim society. If we cause any crack in its foundations due to ignorance, neglect, or selfishness, we will be answerable to Allah (SWT).